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Why my Wife Doesn’t Drive a Chair, Anymore

For years, my wife didn’t drive a regular car, she had a fluffy, overstuffed chair. It was the best chair, comfy and safe and it took her everywhere.

It was a creamy shade of white, and she meant to much effort to keep it clean and soft.  The chair was quite special, almost on the order of the car in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It kept her cool in the hot Florida summer and dry in any thunderstorm.

Whenever we discussed the idea of her getting a regular car, she would exclaim, “But it is my FAVORITE chair!” And that would be the end of it. What you might not know is my wife is very pro feminist and pro-choice.

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On the back of her chair she put a couple of bumper stickers. One read, “PRO Choice, It’s my LIFE”, so that a glance it looked like it said PRO LIFE, but meant just the opposite.

One day, she was sitting at a busy intersection in her lovely chair waiting on a light to change. The light must have been stuck or something because she had to wait a very long time. The cross traffic was heavy and just kept coming. While she was waiting a rabid redneck started yelling at her about how stupid she was to want to “kill babies”!

At first, she ignored him, but after a while, (the light was taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r) she turned in her chair and politely suggested he mind his own goddam business. This made him more agitated. He kept revving his motor and pulled up right behind, almost touching her lovely chair.

She was getting very concerned for the safety of her lovely chair. She got out of the chair and pushed it into the crossing traffic. She finished her journey without the chair. It saddened her to know her chair was forever gone, smashed to bits, but at least the redneck had not had the satisfaction of harming it.

The next day she was browsing the local Home Goods store, and she noticed through a cracked door, a back room. In the room was a greatly damaged chair. It looked like her chair but was so battered she could not have sat in it, much less drove it. There on the back, a bit worse for having been beaten in the traffic was her bumper sticker! It was her chair.

About then a clerk came by and informed her that this was an unauthorized area. My wife replied that it was her chair. The clerk said it had been abandoned on the roadside and it would not be for sale until it had been refurbished.

When my wife woke up this morning, she was so happy to realize it had all been a dream and she could still drive her wonderful chair. It took her   a moment to realize, not was the traffic incident a dream, but so was the chair itself. Fortunately her Nissan is not quite a dream.

Nicholas Slatterly lives in Manhatten, Kansas,but is formerly from Boca Raton, Florida. He assures us that both he and his  wife are more conventionally propelled, though they are fond of an occasional bike ride.

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